Bet you didn’t know this but I can be a really stubborn person. Not so much in the “My way or the highway” kind of way but more in the “you don’t tell me” fashion. This doesnt come out as often as one would think but is a constant battle when it comes to taking care of myself, my emotions and dealing with the downer days that life can throw at you every so often. I have a pretty big problem with anxiety. I think it stems from being a bit of a perfectionist, a people pleaser to the core and worrying way too much what people think of me, well people I care about that is. See I can tell a stranger to go to hell when they say something negative about me but someone that I care about even in the slightest and I am in constant worry over what they must think of me, if they care about me and how they see me. I know this is a problem.
Anyways this whole worry wart nature and overthinking anxiety is a whole lot less awful if I follow doctors orders and take my xanax every morning, but that is really hard for me. I hate feeling like I am relying on anything, especially a drug and that there is anything wrong with me, so its a battle in itself to take the darn pill in the first place. Then a lot of the time I will be on a roll of taking it everyday for like a week then I will be feeling so good, like a normal person even, that I think what they heck am I taking this xanax for, I’m fine! So I quit taking it, after a couple days I have a breakdown that somehow seems to magically come along the same time as aunt flo, and fall apart…completely.
I had one of these fall apart not taking good care of myself moments last week and I feel like I am still recovering from it. Of course it just so happens to be that time of the month, then I haven’t been taking my xanax because “i felt fine” and then put on top of it that i have been a little overwhelmed, stressed and spread far to thin which is taking its tole on my neck and shoulders with a tension that is killing me and ofcourse I find myself saying “you can’t make me go to the damn chiropractor” Yeah… see… stubborn, especially when it comes to taking care of myself.
It’s funny because I would never let anyone I care about get away with the kind of crap I pull in regard to my health, mental state and life, and lucky for me Nightrider doesnt let me get away with it for long and I love her for that, but i’m also frustrated by this. Why can’t I just be good to myself? Is it that hard to take my meds, go and get adjusted once a week, and say no once in a while to unimportant requests to keep my sanity? It really shouldn’t be, but it is.
Part of my “cycle” is all of the things I have mentioned above, taking my pills, stopping taking my pills, falling apart, beating myself up for falling apart, eating my feelings when things get really bad, and dropping everything I care about. I am trying really hard to not do that this time because I want it to be different. I want to carry positive thoughts and energy and pull myself out of my duldrums. I want to take my medicine (which I did just a few minutes ago) spout some positive mantras, hit the chiro on my lunch break, focus on all the fun I am going to have at Full Figured Fashion Weekend ™ this week with my favorite friends and all the curvy community and be good again. I just want to be good.
So why am I writing this and airing my dirty laundry and probably boring you all to death? I guess sometimes just admitting your problems is theraputic and maybe putting it out there for all of you to see will make me more accountable for taking care of these things? Maybe.
So in an attempt to take strides in the right direction I guess i would be good to throw out there some positivity. So here is a positive quote and my top 5 things that make me feel good today and maybe they will make you feel good too….
It’s the simplest properties that will help you clear yourself of negativity … The profound power of a simple prayer. The strength of a deep breath. The gentle guidance of good music.
Top 5 Things That Are Making Me Happy & Keeping Me Positive Today
5. A perfect Vanilla Latte from my favorite Flying M Coffee with latte art that shows the passion of the barista
4. Classic Rock that speaks to my soul and my favoirte song of all time
3. There only being 3 days left until I get to see these ladies who rock my socks and speak my language!
2. Having an awesome Mommy who pushes me, inspires me, loves me unconditionally and helps me even when I haven’t realized I need it.
1. My amazing partner Nightirder and the wonderful family we have. You are all my rock and I love you more then I could ever possible say.
Maybe I have been being selfish considering all the wonderful things and people I have in my life. Instead of focusing on how these things make me feel, I should be more concerned about taking care of myself so I can be the best verision of myself for my family and friends. That is far more important than my stubborn nature, and ridiculous pride.