We all have setbacks sometimes I suppose whether it be in our education, in our careers, in our home life and relationships and even sometimes in our relationships with ourselves. While I am a confident woman who loves my life, my body and every part of me that makes me, well me, even I can be shaken a bit unexpectedly from time to time in my road to self acceptance.

90% of the time for me it’s all about being fierce and fabulous with a I don’t give a fuck what you think attitude but then there is that other 10% where I am brought back to being that 13 year old girl who thinks that the only way she can be liked by others or will ever get a boyfriend is if she is as skinny as the other girls who haven’t developed like she has. The ones who wear the cute little lacy training bras while she’s already sporting an underwire and doing everything to hide her hourglass shape and booty that seems to go on for days. That 13 year old me who is skipping lunch and only allowing herself to eat cute foods, like grapes and diet coke through a straw, in front of other people. The tween me who is sucking her stomach in all day and doing abs of steel every night before bed.  The one that is dieting with incentives and beating herself up for any bad weigh ins. The one that no matter how hard she tries can’t seem to get her body to change to look like the girls in the magazines. The one who feels like a constant disappointment to the people who love her enough to say things like “we love you we are just worried about your health” when really all they were doing was feeding in to her already crippling mental health. So many times I have wished that I could grab that 13 year old girl and shake her and say, “this is your body and there is no expectation to how it is supposed to be”, that “everyone is different, so there is no perfect size” and that “skinny doesn’t necessarily mean healthy just as curvy doesn’t mean unhealthy”. If only I could travel back in time and take that 13 year old out to lunch and let her know that she will have friends and romances and find herself in a happy life as an adult as long as she learns to accept herself, love herself and carry a confidence in her naturally curvy body. While I can’t hop in the Delorean with Doc Brown and go give that 13 year old a much needed pep talk I do get that chance to help my now 25 year old self the same way when I catch myself reverting back 12 years, dozens of hours of therapy, and at least 50 different diets that all failed because say it with me “DIETS DON’T WORK” later, and oddly enough the pep talk is still the same.  

Recently my eating practices have been changing a little bit. I have developed a love for juicing and eating primarily organic foods. This change didn’t come with a weight loss goal or a need to shred some pounds or anything silly like that. Nightrider began juicing as a possible treatment for her MS and her health improved so much I wanted to see how good I could feel and jumped on the bandwagon with her. The juices and all the organic fruits and veggies are incredible tasting, you really don’t realize how dead a lot of our everyday foods taste compared to organic, and the changes have been great for my mental health, my skin and hair and really make a huge difference in how I feel. I feel healthy and I like it. Don’t get me wrong I still listen to the natural cues of my body and if im craving some chocolate cake I’m going to eat it but the change to more natural foods has been refreshing. Since I don’t weigh or monitor my size I can’t say if it’s had any effect on that and I don’t care if it has or hasn’t because it’s just not about that. Needless to say with feeling better I have had more energy and have been more active. I have been less tired and haven’t been sleeping away my entire weekends trying to catch up from being exhausted all week. Saturday morning I even went to the YMCA with Nightrider and our kids and worked out for 30 minutes in the gym and then played basketball as a family for another 30.  I enjoyed the endorphins and spending time being active with my family. This all sounds good and happy and healthy, and healthy is the new skinny after all, but here is where things get tricky.

From some of the people in my everyday life who apparently watch what I am eating (really don’t they have anything better to do?)and ask me about the details of me weekends I have been getting a lot of “I am proud of you” comments while I appreciate the sentiment the fact that they are PROUD OF ME for adding some healthier foods and a bit more activity to my life really hurts me. First off I feel this need to be defensive and react with a I don’t need your approval, and maybe I have always been healthy and I’m still fat so quit thinking I’ve come to the dark side of dieting mentality.  Secondly I have a rebellious nature and them giving their two sense on my eating habbits pisses me off and makes me want to do the exact opposite, and lastly but most importantly I do a lot of things in my life including working hard and busting my ass at my job, getting good grades in school, running a fairly successful blog, and helping to raise 3 beautiful boys into strong smart and kind men. There are lots of things in my life that it would be nice to hear that people are proud of me for that don’t involve my tummy, ass and thighs but for some reason to these people those things just aren’t as important.  In hearing this praise and approval from people who are important to me and having the realization that no matter what other things I do in my life it will never be good enough for them because I will never be anything but a funny fat girl I find the pressures of that 13 year old me creeping back into my brain. Wondering if maybe I have been wrong in my self acceptance, if I will never truly succeed unless I succumb to the Weight Watcher’s variety of shaming  in an almost Jennifer Hudson fashion. Then I give myself that pep talk, the one about loving myself and my body that I am successful in life, that I have friends and a family that love me and sooooo much to be proud of myself for and what I eat and when and where I get my exercise on doesn’t even make it onto that list!

It’s times like these that I must remind myself that I have come such a long way from that 13 year old girl afraid to take her t shirt off at the pool. I have developed a happy and healthy relationship with myself and my body. I am a success, I am strong, I am the kind of role model for loving yourself that I never had growing up and no backhanded compliment or ridiculous sense of pride anyone feels because I hit the gym last weekend or enjoyed a salad for lunch just like I have a million other times in my life should, or hell even can take that away from me.

xoxo

Stiletto